Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hickey removal

All right, so I googled "how to get rid of a hickey" (Shut UP it was for a friend) and um, wow. It's like the internet wanted to fuck with me.

1) Wet a spoon, freeze it, put it on a NEW hickey.
This one requires pre-meditation. If you're planning on getting a hickey, don't go crying when it shows up on your skin.

2) Blame it on the curling iron.
That doesn't make it go away, bitches.

WTF. What's with shouting the directions at me?? And why the hell would apple vinegar make a hickey disappear?

4) Dissolve aspirin into visine and apply to the hickey.
Wha .... but .... you know what, forget it.

5) The only plausibly helpful options on the list: Aloe and / or witch hazel applied to the skin.

5) Comb your skin.
This seems remarkably not helpful, as it would mark up your neck some more, just like ...

6) Take a lip gloss cap and keep twisting it on the spot.
Are people really this stupid? "Yeah, the hickey didn't go away, it got darker, but I still think this method works cause the internet says so"

7) Wear concealer.

8) Apparently tooth paste does the trick :)
Well, I'm not sure how. What are you supposed to do with the tooth paste, exactly?

And my personal favorite:

9) Stop getting them.

Dear internet,

Stop being so helpful. You are ruining my life.

Obviously not Avril Obscene because why would she ever need or want to cover up a hickey.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I drew the line at sniffing people FOR him

Me: Bossman is driving me crazy today. I mean, really insane. I just told him he was retarded, TWICE, and he totally deserved it. Guess what he's doing right now? He's going into the (main part of workplace) TO SMELL PEOPLE. Wish I was kidding.

Patient Boy: (dies laughing) Why?

Me: He's convinced someone has been screwing around in his office. So he's going to find out who. By sniffing everyone in the department.

PB: ...

Me: I am the only one with a key to his office. But I have already been cleared by sniff test.

PB: Wow, he is classy.

Me: Yeah. I think he may have suffered a blow to the head or something.

PB: Maybe. (long pause) Wait, he SMELLED YOU?

Me: Yeah. It was awkward.

About twenty minutes goes by

Me: Oh God. Now Bossman is enlisting other crazies to smell people around the department. I seriously can't wait for this day to be over so I can be around normal people.

PB: Wow. I like your day.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

In which someone is uninvited to their intervention

Apparently I don't know what an intervention is ...

Me: You're so responsible it's scary. I clean when I'm sick; apparently you go to work. I don't even know who you ARE anymore.

Patient Boy: Yeah, I need help.

Me: It's all right. Your interventions are already scheduled. I got this.

PB: Oh God. I hope you are kidding.

Me: smiles angelically

PB: Oh no... you really ARENT kidding.

Me: Who would kid about interventions for working? They are serious business.

PB: Oh crap. Now I'm worried. Well, when is it?

Me: Um, hello, it's a surprise intervention. There's going to be cake and everything. Just like all the best interventions. That's how it's done, right?

PB: Umm. I've never been to one but I feel as though you are thinking of a party of some kind.

Me: Isn't that what an intervention is? You're in charge of bringing the beer, by the way... which I admit is problematic given that it is a surprise intervention. To be safe just keep a few cases in your car.

PB: Wait; isn't this my surprise intervention?? Why am I bringing stuff??

Me: This is my first intervention and I really want it to go well. Why can't you help me out a little??

PB: Well, I guess if fish sticks and custard are there I will.

Me: All right awesome. Make sure you buy at least one case of PBR because I invited the roller derby team to your intervention.

PB: Wait what? Are you sure this is an intervention?

Me: Yeah totally! Also I'm trying to schedule it for a Tuesday or Saturday so you can come but you might need to take some time off because most people can only come on Thursday.

PB: You also want me to take time off for my intervention? What the hell??

Me: Why can't you just be supportive?? This is all for you!

PB: Yeahh ... sorry but maybe you are just being too demanding.

Me: This so much pressure.

PB: silence

Me: Fine, you know what? You aren't even invited to your intervention anymore! No fish custard and beer for you!!

PB: Wow, um, its getting hard to tell the jokes from the mad ... please don't kill me?

Me: Come over. We'll sort the rest out later. I promise tonight isn't the intervention that you aren't invited to. But I'm out of custard.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

National kissing day sucks

Textation with Patient Boy yesterday, aka National Kissing Day

PB: Morning. (this is at 1:30pm, btw)

Me: Good morning. How's my favorite Patient Boy today?

PB: Hungover and broke. How's you?

Me: Alright. Oh, watch out for random girls trying to kiss you today. Facebook just told me it's National Kissing Day.

PB: ... So you are saying I shoulda gone to the bar tonight.

Me: And now is when I make the angry face.

PB: Hah, ok so no bar tonight got it.

Me: Or just bring pepper spray! :)

PB: I don't even know where to get that.

Me: A big stick? I mean, you just need some sort of deterrent. Maybe a bodyguard / chaperone. It's especially important for you because random guys like to kiss you too.

PB: Hmm you make a good point. What if the bodyguard wants to kiss?

Me: Alright this is getting complicated. Maybe I should be your bodyguard. You'll have to wait till roller derby is over, and leave the bar by midnight. (this is totally reasonable since roller derby ends at 11 and I'll have to change before going to a bar)

PB: But you might kiss me too.

Me: Yeah but I'm allowed! I'm not random anymore dammit.

PB: hahahaha

Me: You know what, fine. I can practice restraint. No kisses for you. All in the name of you having a clean fun time at the bar. (cause that's what everyone wants at a bar)

PB: Oh. That kinda hurts.

Me: Just trying to compromise. I don't want you kissing random people, and you evidently count me as random. It's a sacrifice, but I care about your feelings.

PB: I want Pat's. (cheesesteaks in Philly, so delicious)

Me: Too bad you're broke I guess?

PB: Ouch! Thats hurts a bit!

Me: Hey I'm not the one that spent all my money on booze. Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be the sugar mama. I suppose I'll give you the money for cheese steaks. And my car to drive down.

PB: Awesome! Are you paying for the tab I rack up tonight too?

Me: I thought we agreed that you aren't going to the bar tonight?? (pause) Wait, we decided that you just weren't going to kiss anyone. That sucks. What do I get out of being a sugar mama then?

PB: Well, we decided that no one would kiss me. As for what you get ... the honor of driving me home?

Me: Well that blows. Being a sugar mama sucks. I can't wait until this stupid kissing holiday is over.

PB: Hey, you were the one all like "don't kiss anyone today".

Me: RANDOM. Anyone RANDOM. That was the key word there. Girlfriend is not random! Geez.

PB: Ohh ok. In that case, you can kiss me, I suppose.

Me: Wow, the enthusiasm is overwhelming.

PB: Hey, I don't kiss just anyone!

Me: I sure hope not!!

PB: Hahaha, you are my favorite Avril.

Me: ... I want to take that in a good way but the paranoid part of me thinks I'm the favorite one you kiss. Which means there are others. Not cool!

PB: Hey! I'm not a whore!

Me: Well, I wasn't accusing you of accepting money for it!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Topping myself off

Real conversation between me and Fake Big Brother:

Me: I finished watching the first season of True Blood last night btw. Hence me being up until 2 am last night.

FBB: Ooooh that makes sense.

Me: Yeah.

FBB: It is good.

Me: it was like midnight and I was sleepy but I had One. Disk. Left.

FBB: Hmm.

Me: and I was like I AM SO CLOSE!

FBB: That's what she said.

Me: Oh thank god you said it. I did not want to have to "that's what she said" myself.

FBB: lol

Me: I remember saying that during sex before, when I used to be more vocal.

FBB: haha

Me: I'm pretty sure it was the same time I punched a guy during sex.

FBB: lolwut?

Me: No no no. That was when I said BUT I WAS SO CLOSE.

FBB: hahaha

Me: true story. Sad but true.
Long pause
So anyway, now that we've talked about being vocal during sex, I feel like we can't possibly top the conversation. Maybe it should just end now.

FBB: hmm.
Long pause
Yeah I can't really think of a topper.

Me: Well, I don't want to top myself.
Question mark face?

FBB: you are at work; that would be inappropriate!

Me: LOL like "top myself off" ... Is that even a euphemism for masturbation or am I just making shit up now?

FBB: Signs off

Me: Probably went to top himself off.

Update: turns out that "topping yourself off" is a euphemism for suicide. Which is also inappropriate at work.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

We actually exchanged these emails

I opened up my email around lunch time Friday and this email was waiting for me.

Subject: Email
It is Friday and the end of the week and this is my email at work. I plan on keeping the exchanges PC until I know more about the process of how email works. The prior ****** background has me all up in arms about policies and statutes about everything within the company concerning employee behavior. Smiles.

(no shit there was the full work signature here)
Caridad Lastname
Fancy Ass Job Title
Brand-new Workplace
Caridad.Lastname at brand-new.workplace

So I decided to mess with her a

Subject: Re: Email
Dear Caridad,

I appreciate the update on your work status. It gives me great cheer to note that you have a lovely full-time job as a ******* with an email account. I look forward to our future exchanges, and have a lovely three day weekend. Happy fourth of July!

Avril Obscene (well, my real name but fuck you if I want to share that all with the internets)
Administrative Assistant to the Director
My Fancy Workplace
Avril.Obscene at My.Fancy.Workplace

Apparently she didn't catch the sarcasm font the first time around...

Subject: Re: Email
Just so you know the signature at the end is my permanent default signature. It goes out in every email. lol

Caridad Lastname
Fancy Ass Job Title
Brand-New Workplace
Caridad.Lastname at Brand-new.Workplace

I'm having too much fun at this point to stop screwing with her...

Subject: Re: Email
Dear Caridad,

I assure you that your email signature did not throw me for a loop at all. I certainly think it is proper and quite becoming of a young professional. Hope this clears up our misunderstanding! Cheers!

Avril Obscene
Administrative Assistant to the Director
My Fancy Workplace
Avril.Obscene at My.Fancy.Workplace

After I sent that last email to her work account I emailed another to her personal account:

Subject: Shit
I used lovely twice in that email to your work account. now they're going to be on to us.

PS Not sure why it is necessary to be such a smartass but it truly is. Forgive me.

A few hours later I got this one from her work account:

Subject: Re: Email
Just got your email, you are correct about your intelligence as a mammal. I however find it slightly amusing at times it keeps it real.

Caridad Lastname
Fancy Ass Job Title
Brand-new Workplace
Caridad.Lastname at Brand-new.Workplace

Subject: Re: Email
Dear Caridad,

I admire your succinct responses, and must admit that I chuckled to myself (CTM! he! he!) as I decoded your most recent reply. I find that amusing people with your astounding wit is important in professional relationships, just as honesty and integrity are. Please accept my sincere appreciation for the humor you inject into my daily life.

Avril Obscene
Administrative Assistant to the Director
My Fancy Workplace
Avril.Obscene at My.Fancy.Workplace

A few hours later from Caridad....

Subject: Re: Email
I was wondering if you have been informed of the day's end. If so please forward a copy of that notice. It would be much appreciated.

Caridad Lastname
Fancy Ass Job Title
Brand-new Workplace
Caridad.Lastname at Brand-new.Workplace

This time I was prepared.

Subject: Re: Email
You are receiving this message as a courtesy. This is an auto-response system. Avril Obscene will be out of the office fir the holiday from July 1 - July 5. If this is a true emergency, please contact your local authorities. As always, that you for contacting My Fancy Workplace. We apreciate your patronage, and enjoy the long weekend!

Avril Obscene
Administrative Assistant to the Director
My Fancy Workplace
Avril.Obscene at My.Fancy.Workplace

I just want to point out that I took part in this entire exchange in my personal GMail account. Without a signature or auto-response. Because I am committed. or should be.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Am I really the only one that finds me funny?

An actual text conversation (or as I like to call them, Textation) I just had inspired me to blog again.

Me: (after sending several hilarious texts to which I received zero LOLs) Am I really the only one that finds me funny?

Patient Boy: No you usually make me laugh. Why you ask?

Me: No one is amused by me today. Except me. Sad face. (thinking about how this includes him. What a jerk)

Me: except maybe Caridad but I can't tell because we're being funny in a very serious way. (remind me to post those emails... Laughter is plentiful)

PB: hahaha hmm uhh maybe that's the problem.

Me: That me and Caridad are serious kind of funny today? I don't see why that would keep other people from being amused by my not serious but still funny ways. (am still fuming because no one laughed at my awesomely funny #fakekidnapping Tweets this morning)

Me: It's rough when my boss isn't in the office. I get lonely and no one laughs at me. No human interaction at all! (pause for effect) I'm considering signing up for chat roulette.

PB: What is chat roulette?

Me: It's a site where you get randomly matched up with people to talk to via webcam. Sometimes people want to chat. But it's famous for an obscene amount of junk flashing.

PB: (no response)

Me: Yeah having to explain chat roulette makes it less funny... Maybe I'm telling my best stories to the wrong audiences.

PB: (still no response)

Me: also it's 90 degrees out and I'm wearing a sweater. I don't know why. Please help.

PB: (Finishes driving to work and sees his phone) Ok well damn that's a lot. Um take off the sweater for starters. Lol.

See? I just need to find the right audience! On the internet! Hello, y'all. I'm Avril Obscene. I am fucking sexy, dammit. Why don't you want me?