All right, so I googled "how to get rid of a hickey" (Shut UP it was for a friend) and um, wow. It's like the internet wanted to fuck with me.
1) Wet a spoon, freeze it, put it on a NEW hickey.
This one requires pre-meditation. If you're planning on getting a hickey, don't go crying when it shows up on your skin.
2) Blame it on the curling iron.
That doesn't make it go away, bitches.
3) BOIL SOME WATER AND ADD APPLE VINEGAR AND SALT, WITH A DAMP CLOTH APPLY TO THE HICKIES
WTF. What's with shouting the directions at me?? And why the hell would apple vinegar make a hickey disappear?
4) Dissolve aspirin into visine and apply to the hickey.
Wha .... but .... you know what, forget it.
5) The only plausibly helpful options on the list: Aloe and / or witch hazel applied to the skin.
5) Comb your skin.
This seems remarkably not helpful, as it would mark up your neck some more, just like ...
6) Take a lip gloss cap and keep twisting it on the spot.
Are people really this stupid? "Yeah, the hickey didn't go away, it got darker, but I still think this method works cause the internet says so"
7) Wear concealer.
8) Apparently tooth paste does the trick :)
Well, I'm not sure how. What are you supposed to do with the tooth paste, exactly?
And my personal favorite:
9) Stop getting them.
Stop being so helpful. You are ruining my life.
Obviously not Avril Obscene because why would she ever need or want to cover up a hickey.